Sunday, May 20, 2012
Every Court Order (temporary and final) and Settlement Agreement/Parenting Plan has language and mandates to encourage a loving positive relationship between the child and parent. The mandatatory Parenting Class you must complete for your Divorce focuses on each parent greatly encouraging a positive child/parent relationship. It is unfortunate and tragic that if one parent wants to alienate your child against you, they will be able to do it. There are all different types of alienation that range from very subtle to direct in your face. Subtle is as simple as one parent is very hurt because they do not want the divorce and the child is aware they do not want the divorce (and throw in a girlfriend or boyfriend) and the child sides with the "hurting" parent or the parent they are closer to (and age of child important here to) and the relationship with the parent that wants the divorce is scarred forever. I assure you this is painful for all parties involved. And there is the intentional alienation where the parent who does not want the divorce encourages the child to take sides (either they are aware this is happening or not but they are responsible as it is happening on their watch) and the parent/child take sides to the effect that we are a package deal- 2 or none. The problem is a divorcing parent cannot make that choice so by default it is none. And then you have the most direct alienation - your mother or father is the devil. The sad truth is you can pay me a lot of money and after a couple of years of litigation (budget crisis with Courts equal shortage of Judges for divorce cases so cases are backlogged) we will obtain an Order from the Court finding Contempt and Alienation and probably an Order to pay some of your fees and costs. But by this time the permanent damage is done and even if the Court ordered supervised visitation for the alienating parent and child, the child may be a teenager and he/she will simply "run away" from your home or even attempting to change the physical custody of the child will create more trauma to the child where the additional trauma is not in the best interest of the child (a gordian knot or catch 22 so to say). Your relationship is forever damaged with your child by the time the Court can intervene. This is just reality.. Similar to how fast you can pull a child from the bottom of a pool- the child is either dead or has slight to severe brain damage. So what do you do? You of course stick up for principle and sue the alienating parent (if you have the money and it is so important to hire an attorney that knows how to litigate against a narcissistic or mentally unstable parent)but as with many maritsl legal issues, pursue practical solituons such as counseling for your child (discuss with your attorney how to obtain such Order in an efficient manner) and most importantly, just put a dish of milk out by having your words match your actions and your actions match your words as hopefully your child will observe your true self and decide to sip from that dish of milk by accepting what they see of you and then slowly your relationship can improve and in fact become stronger from the experience once improved as both of you had to actually fight for it.....as life is very long and there are decades of time to be a parent and have a parent/child relationship with your child once they are an adult (in reality that is age 16 and up) and so understand when you are caught up in the moment of trauma and precise alienation, that believe it or not, this to will pass and just maybe in the long run you may have even a stronger and deeper relationship with your child from the alienating experience. If not, at least you fucking tried and you can use your experiences to help someone else and all one really can do is just "to be" in this exact moment of time with honor and dignity. Do not be so arrogant to assume you know more than the Universe as has not the Universe always provided for you? So yes, give thanks to your Maker right now! Namasté. But yes, sue their ass to if necessary!