Chanting

The power of chanting is .....

I want you to finish this sentence after four weeks of chanting (out loud) the following ten times when you wake up in the morning and ten times before you rest at night:

NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO

Buddhism, contrary to popular belief is "win or lose" That is it- you either "win or lose" with your life. Yet, as prior blogs have discussed nobody wins in a divorce, there are only two or more losers (taking into consideration your children and extended family). So, the real issue is simply just because there is not a so called "winner" in my divorce, CAN I BE A WINNER IN LIFE? The answer is YES as your divorce is probably your first step to changing what energy is out of balance in your life!!!

To win in your life, start chanting (immediately). And, if you actually do your chanting as stated above, please post your response to this entry and finish the sentence "The power of chanting is ...."

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

It is always important to remember to "chant" throughout the day "Nam-myoho-renge-kyo" as this is the mystic law which is much greater than your divorce law.

You Really Do Not Know

Your attorney will present your case to a Judge (trial) if it does not settle. During the presentation, only the Judge and other attorney can really tell how much preparation your attorney has put into your case and whether he or she is doing a good job as the attorneys and judges know what to look for, but you do not know what to look for to determine if you attorney is presenting a good trial for you. You may want to hear certain questions asked or voices raised, but that does not mean your attorney has necessarily prepared for your case or is doing a good job. Try to remove yourself from the courtroom (in your mind) and look in from a corner and just observe. You may develop a different prespective at that time. I have actually represented attorneys during their trials. This is difficult as my clients as practicing attorneys definitely know what type of job I am doing or not doing. If your case is actually going to a trial, go watch some other trials so you will be able to compare and contrast the work of your attorney, so at least you are aware and not some "deer in the headlights." As a caveat, attorneys make very bad clients due to their usual general psychological makeup (rules apply to other people but not me).

New Child Support law

As of 10/1/10, the child support law is changing. It is changing by how the amount of child support you pay or receive is calculated. If you have your child twenty (20) percent to forty (40) percent of the overnights per year, you will pay less child support, and on the other side of the coin, if your child spends twenty (20) to forty (40) percent of overnights with your former spouse, you will receive less child support (than compared to the law prior to 10/1/10). Your child support does not automatically change if previously ordered prior to 10/1/10, but rather this is the result of cases after 10/1/10. I have noticed in my calculations that the average amount of child support you will receive (if your child is with you the majority of the time) is much LESS. So, it is very important to concentrate on the alimony and asset distribution portion of your case for your financial security. There is also a new type of alimony as of 7/1/10, called "durational" alimony, which we will discuss in the future.

Do Not Act Surprised!

Often during a divorce, especially a divorce involving children, a spouse acts "surprised" (notice the choice of word "acts") when their soon to be ex spouse refuses to be reasonable, or reacts on an immature level, or just does stupid and juvenile things. Why in the world would you be surprised? If your soon to be ex spouse was a reasonable, mature and responsible person, you would not be divorcing them! So, if you have a dysfunctional marriage, do not expect anything else other then a dysfunctional divorce, and a future dysfunctional relationship as former husband and former wife. The reason you are divorcing your spouse is because they are unreasonable, or it is because they are immature, or it is because they are irresponsible, and therefore, how can you possibly be "surprised" when they act the same way during your divorce and after your divorce.

Loving your children and dating your attorney

I am involved in a case where the former wife is dating her attorney. I represent the former husband. She has two (2) children. She acts like she is concerned about the welfare of her children and she acts like she is concerned about how the children get along with her former husband, their father. She is a fraud and a fake, as if she actually considered how the children felt about her boyfriend being in a legally adverse relationship with her former husband/father, she would conclude that just the perception to the children will emotionally harm them for the rest of thier lives. Unfortunately, she is so concerned about her alimony check and she is so lazy she will do anything to avoid working, even forever damaging her children by dating her attorney. I wonder how she avoids actually considering the harm of her actions. She does not realize it, but it is affecting her physically, as everytime I see her at a court hearing or deposition or mediation or otherwise, her physical body is deteroriating from her life condition of being lazy and avoidance. It is ok to get a job if it will avoid a toll on your children, and therefore be able to hire and pay an attorney to represent you other than having to date one.

Change

During your divorce case, there will be many changes. Some of your goals and intentions in the beginning of your case may not be the same in the middle or end of your case. Change is a constant. It's okay to change your mind and your desires. Sometimes you will feel secure in the process of your case and sometimes you will feel unsecure in the process of your case. Remember you are working towards an end result, and facts in your life, your spouse's life and your children's lives can change weekly and monthly. If you understand and expect change during your case, it will be much less traumatic for you. Change can be a different or even a good thing to look forward to, as stagnation is rot, and nobody or nothing can grow with or from rot.

When to Shut up

Often during a client consultation or conference, I am aware that my client is under so much stress and in so much pain that, although my mouth is moving and my words are emitting forth, my client is not hearing a word I am saying. This is a good time for me to remember to stop talking and start listening. (This is also a good time for a client to have confidence in their attorney's ability to do what is right and fair in the long term.) But once I realize it's time to stop talking and start listening, I have been amazed how clients often have the best ideas on how to proceed in their case or how to settle certain matters. I have seen it before, how interesting facts or ideas can suddenly emerge from the client in ways that were not asked or intended. Solutions are tricky and elusive and can occur when you become more aware of listening instead of talking. So, if you don't have any idea what's going on, and why, consider turning your seemingly irrelevant thoughts into specific questions. I do think it's o.k. to ask your attorney to shut up occassionally and just listen. You do have the best ideas.

Bad economy Good

In my 48 years of recent existence, I have noticed that people who are broke tend to be nicer and less stuck up. I think a person has time for human interaction and appreciation once they are rid of thier material possessions as those excess material possessions will own the person who possesses, versus what one may percieve as owning their material possessions. I have witnessed friends, clients, colleagues and acquaintances go from what they perceived as being rich to being broke, and you know what, they tend to be nicer and less stuck up once they are broke. So, maybe a bad economy is actually good, to some extent.

Divorcing a narcissist

If your spouse is a Narcissist, your divorce and beyond will be difficult. If you understand how and why your narcissist spouse is acting towards you, the pain will be a bit less, but have no misunderstanding that if you have a child together, it is basically a life of turmoil. Be glad you escaped when you did, as your healing can start. A good book for your understanding and healing is "Surviving the Storm: Strategies and Realities when Divorcing a Narcissist" by Richard Skerritt.

25 Years

If you have been married 25 years or longer, you should not expect to make a decision to divorce your spouse and that your emotional pain will just cease. Your decision, once you finally make it, will feel like your decades of problems have been lifted off of your shoulders, but please expect to have proper sadness and grieving in the months to come. If you understand that it is an emotionally painfull process, a sad process that one should grieve, then when you have these feelings they will not be debilitating to your day to day life, and finally a smile will emerge. So, it is ok to cry and then it is ok to smile.

A Piece of Paper

Your Divorce will end up on a piece of paper, either a Final Judgment of Dissolution of Marriage being an judgment written by a Judge after a trial or a Final Judgment of Dissolution of Marriage incorporating a Marital Settlement Agreement being an agreement agreed to and sign by you and your spouse. The point is you need to be very aware of whether or not you can actually enforce what is written on that piece of paper. For example, if your spouse agrees to pay a credit card debt in your name only and he or she does not pay it, can the Judge do anything to your spouse to make them actually pay it? If it is alimony or child support they were suppose to pay and did not, the Judge can incarcerate (put in jail) you spouse. That is enforcement. But with regard to credit card debt, the Judge is basically powerless to enforce payment of it, and the Judge's options are limited. So, if you agreed to lower or no alimony in exchange for your spouse to pay your credit card debt, you are only receiving a piece of paper with ink on it, which is useless, if your spouse is not honorable and does not pay that credit card debt. Be careful. It is the job of your attorney to advise you whether what you are agreeing to or seeking from the Judge will actually be enforceable after it is ordered. A piece of paper that is not enforceable is a waste of time and money. Do not fall into that trap as I have many consultations with former spouses where the damage is done because their Final Judgment, by not having adequate remedies when their spouse ignores it, is just a worthless piece of paper.

The Number 500

The Number 500 is the average amount of divorce and relationship cases your divorce Judge is handling at one time. That is a lot! So, is it really a realisitic expectation that when the Judge is hearing your case that he or she is mentally and physically able to concentrate and pay attention to all the testimony and evidence? I do not think so. Therefore, focus on the main issues, the important issues. Do you really think anybody is going to listen to your irrelevant nothings or babbles detailing every failing of your spouse? The Judge does not care who was bad. This is not a 3rd grade sandbox. The Judge cares about the important facts of your marriage and case, so stay focused (which your attorney damn well better help you do) on those facts.

Do They Really Care

A lot of people (attorneys, mental health counselors, expert witnesses) will act like they care about your case. Unfortunately, during my cynical days, I question whether everybody actually cares as much as they act. Go with your gut instinct and if you do not think anybody you are paying to help you with your divorce or other marital related issue actually truly cares about you, FIRE them immediately as your gut instinct is alway right. Remember, your attorney and any expert you hired works for you and you can fire them anytime you want too! Namaste.

Watch your Judge

Your divorce is a bench trial, which means a Judge decides your case not a jury. You can go sit in the Courtroom of your assigned Judge at most anytime they have hearings or trials. By watching your Judge on somebody else's case, you may understand how that particular Judge runs their Courtroom, and you may be a bit less nervous during any of your hearings or trial, and you may understand the process a bit more. It is also a good way to watch attorneys and other Husbands/Wives, and what tends to work in a case presentation and what tends not to work in a case presentation. If you are experienced at watching attorneys and Judges, you may develope an "eye" for the lazy versus not lazy ones. This could help you in your selection of an attorney and your case, as your case will change your life forever, hopefully for the betterment of yourself and your children (and even your former spouse as the only resolution is a fair win/win resolution for everybody).