"Happy Lives"

This Is How To Make Your Life Awesome: 6 Secrets From Research

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Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller. To check it out, click here.

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There’s a lot of good advice on how to be happier or more productive or how to have better relationships. But tips on how to improve your whole life — something that will last decades and experience countless unpredictable changes — those should be regarded with extreme skepticism.

The only way to really get some good insights would be to follow a lot of people for their entire lives and see what actually works. Luckily, somebody did…

The Study of Adult Development combined three massive longitudinal studies — research projects that followed people from youth until old age — to figure out what makes a good life.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

The Study of Adult Development is a rarity in medicine, for quite deliberately it set out to study the lives of the well, not the sick. In so doing it has integrated three cohorts of elderly men and women—all of whom have been studied continuously for six to eight decades. First, there is a sample of 268 socially advantaged Harvard graduates born about 1920— the longest prospective study of physical and mental health in the world. Second, there is a sample of 456 socially disadvantaged Inner City men born about 1930—the longest prospective study of “blue collar” adult development in the world. Third, there is a sample of 90 middle-class, intellectually gifted women born about 1910—the longest prospective study of women’s development in the world… Like the proverbial half loaf of bread, these studies are not perfect; but for the present they are, arguably, the best lifelong studies of adult development in the world.

George Vaillant is a professor at Harvard Medical School and led the study for over 30 years. His book is Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development.

With almost a century of data on nearly 1000 people, there are plenty of insights. We’ll cover 6 big ones that can get you on your path to awesomeness. (Remember: skimming my blog posts voids the warranty. If you don’t read the whole thing and your life goes on to be awful, you will know why.)

Forgive me for starting with something obvious, but it had such an impact that it cannot be ignored…

1) Avoid Smoking And Alcohol

Hi, my name is Eric and it was never my intention to write afterschool specials but here we go: Kids, smoking is bad.

It was the #1 predictive factor of health.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

In both male cohorts not being a heavy smoker before the age of 50 was the most important single predictive factor of healthy physical aging. Among the College men heavy smoking (more than a pack a day for thirty years) was ten times more frequent among the Prematurely Dead than among the Happy-Well. Yet if a man had stopped smoking by about age 45, the effects of smoking (as much as one pack a day for twenty years) could at 70 or 80 no longer be discerned.

And drinking too much doesn’t only hurt your health. Over the long haul it makes you less happy and screws up relationships.

Some people drink because they have problems. But the study showed alcohol is also an independent cause of problems, not merely a result.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

…prospective study reveals that alcohol abuse is a cause rather than a result of increased life stress, of depression, and of downward social mobility… Alcohol abuse—unrelated to unhappy childhood—consistently predicted unsuccessful aging, in part because alcoholism damaged future social supports.

Maintaining a healthy weight increased lifespan and regular exercise boosted both longevity and happiness. Plain and simple: those things you know you’re supposed to do to stay healthy? Do them.

(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)

Okay, obligatory obvious stuff out of the way. You have to keep yourself healthy. But you also have to keep your brain healthy. And maybe not for the reasons you might guess…

2) Years of Education = Good

It’s probably no surprise that, on average, the Harvard men were healthier at age 70 than the underprivileged men. But here’s the twist…

If you compared only the guys from both groups who attended college, the difference vanished.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

…the physical health of the 70-year old Inner City men was as poor as that of the Harvard men at 80. But remarkably, the health of the college-educated Inner City men at 70 was as good as that of the Harvard men at 70. This was in spite of the fact that their childhood social class, their tested IQ, their income, and the prestige of their colleges and jobs were markedly inferior to those of the Harvard men. Parity of education alone was enough to produce parity in physical health.

This wasn’t due to family income and it wasn’t due to IQ. Pursuing more education led to better habits and healthier lives.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

The components of education that appeared to correlate with physical health in old age were self-care and perseverance—not IQ and parental income. The more education that the Inner City men obtained, the more likely they were to stop smoking, eat sensibly, and use alcohol in moderation.

(To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click here.)

Okay, prepare yourself: the next one can be a little sad for some people because we can’t change the past… or can we?

3) A Happy Childhood

How much someone was loved as a child predicted their adult income better than knowing what social class they were brought up in.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

…for both the Inner City men and the Harvard men the best predictor of a high income was not their parents’ social class but whether their mother had made them feel loved.

Many say that you can find out what someone is really made out of by seeing how they handle a really stressful situation. The Study of Adult Development found that the people who aged the best had coped well with something so horrific you wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy:

Adolescence.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

Again, as I have followed the lives of the Inner City men, one of the best indicators of successful aging was how well they had adapted in junior high school. Of the 150 Inner City men with the best scores for coping in junior high school, 56 were among the Happy-Well and only 13 were among the Sad-Sick. Of the 19 Inner City men with the lowest scores for adolescent adaptation, only a single man was among the Happy-Well, and 11 men, three-fifths, were among the Sad-Sick or Prematurely Dead. Successful adolescence predicted successful old age.

Yes, all this kinda sucks for some people. Amazon doesn’t sell Time Machines and me saying, “Well, you should have picked your parents better” is far from helpful. So if your childhood was less than perfect and your adolescence felt like a bad reality show, does this mean you’re doomed?

No. What went right in childhood was much more predictive than what went wrong.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

A warm childhood, like a rich father, tended to inoculate the men against future pain, but a bleak childhood—such as with a poverty-stricken father—did not condemn either the Harvard or the Inner City men to misery… Perhaps the best summary statement is, What goes right in childhood predicts the future far better than what goes wrong.

And there’s even more reason for hope. Sometimes love and support come late — but that can be enough to heal old wounds.

When people found a loving spouse or trusted friends in adulthood, the damage of a tough childhood could be undone.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

It is not the bad things that happen to us that doom us; it is the good people who happen to us at any age that facilitate enjoyable old age… For women, as well as for men, spouses could sometimes heal dysfunctional childhoods… A good marriage at age 50 predicted positive aging at 80… After following disadvantaged Hawaiian youth for almost half a century, Emmy Werner explained that “the most salient turning points…for most of these troubled individuals, however, were meeting a caring friend and marrying an accepting spouse.”

We need love at every age. A warm childhood is a great blessing but, as with so many other things in life: “better late than never.”

(To learn 5 secrets from neuroscience that will increase your attention span, click here.)

So if the study found one big thing you damn well better remember, what was it?

4) Relationships Are Everything

Plenty of the men and women who had smarts and family wealth didn’t fare well. And many who had fewer advantages did just fine. It was people’s ability to deal with others that made the biggest difference.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

The lives of all three cohorts repeatedly demonstrated that it was social aptitude—sometimes called emotional intelligence—not intellectual brilliance or parental social class that leads to a well-adapted old age. …successful aging means giving to others joyously whenever one is able, receiving from others gratefully whenever one needs it, and being greedy enough to develop one’s own self in between.

What’s one of the biggest mistakes we make when it comes to relationships? Not working hard enough to create new ones when the old ones fade away.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

Successful aging requires continuing to learn new things and continuing to take people in …a widening social radius at age 50 was just as important to successful psychosocial aging as emotional maturity.

Asked to summarize the results of The Grant Study (the Harvard group), Vaillant simply replied, “Happiness is love. Full stop.”

(To learn 3 secrets from neuroscience that will help you quit bad habits without willpower, click here.)

So what separated those who succeeded with others from those who failed? It ended up being one of the most powerful predictive factors in the study…

5) Coping Skills

Using “mature defenses.” Basically that means how you respond to the painful thoughts and feelings produced by difficult people and this occasional horror show called life.

When things don’t go their way, teenagers scream and pout and blame everyone but themselves. However, when people become adults… well, sometimes they still scream and pout and blame everyone but themselves.

And this does not lead to good things. How you cope with the inevitable problems of life has far-reaching, long-term consequences.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

…In both samples mature defenses were common among the Happy-Well and virtually absent among the Sad-Sick.

Blaming others, being passive-aggressive, living in denial, acting out and retreating into fantasy were all maladaptive coping mechanisms associated with poor outcomes. These behaviors soothed bad feelings in the short term and wreaked havoc in the long term by ruining relationships and producing lousy life decisions.

Those who thrived chose more mature methods of coping like altruism, sublimation, suppression and humor.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

These four mature coping strategies are not only associated with maturity, but they can be reframed as virtues. Such virtues can include doing as one would be done by (altruism); artistic creation to resolve conflict and spinning straw into gold (sublimation); a stiff upper lip, patience, seeing the bright side (suppression); and the ability not to take oneself too seriously (humor). These latter behaviors are the very stuff of which Victorian morality plays are made and they provide antidotes to narcissism.

Adolescence always ends but, sadly, self-absorbed, attention-seeking adolescent behavior can continue long into old age. For some people it reaches truly tragic, pathological extremes like blogging.

(To learn the 5 questions that will make you emotionally strong, click here.)

So if you learn to use mature coping skills and don’t act like a selfish brat, you’re ahead of the game. But those who truly thrived took it to whole ‘nother level…

6) “Generativity”

Bottom line: “generativity” is giving back.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

Generativity means community building. Depending on the opportunities that the society makes available, Generativity can mean serving as a consultant, guide, mentor, or coach to young adults in the larger society. Research reveals that between age 30 and 45 our need for achievement declines and our need for community and affiliation increases.

When we’re young, we’re all a little selfish. And that’s okay. We need to figure the world out, we need to figure ourselves out and we need to build a life.

But when that is done, the best way to selfishly improve your life is to be unselfish and focus on helping those around you.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

Among all three samples generative men and women at 50 were three to six times as likely to be among the Happy-Well in old age as among the Sad-Sick… In all three Study cohorts mastery of Generativity tripled the chances that the decade of the 70s would be for these men and women a time of joy and not of despair.

Spend your first few decades building a good life and a well-rounded self – and then spend the remaining decades sharing with others what you have gained and learned.

(To learn the 4 secrets to reading body language like an expert, click here.)

Okay, we’ve covered a lot. Let’s round it all up and learn what effect the big six actually have…

Sum Up

This is how to make your life awesome:

• Avoid smoking and alcohol: Duh.
• Years of education = good: Education seems to increase good habits (and being surrounded by smart, ambitious people never hurts).
• Have a happy childhood: It’s huge. And surrounding yourself later in life with people who love you can help repair a difficult youth.
• Relationships are everything: “Happiness is love. Full stop.”
• Mature coping skills: Stop projecting and stop being passive-aggressive. Use mature defenses like humor when life gets hard. (Yes, immature humor is still mature coping. You’re welcome.)
• Generativity: Build a good life, a well-rounded self and then give back.

George Vaillant spent so long interviewing people who were receiving Social Security checks that by the time he finished, he was receiving them, too.

His father had been an archaeologist, an arena that he had no interest in. But looking around at the stacks and stacks of reports covering literally thousands of years of people’s lives, he realized, in a way, he’d become an archaeologist too.

His book contains a startling number of insights into what does (and decidedly does not) create a good life. We covered the big ones. So what would happen if you could tell good ol’ George your personal score on the above six recommendations?

On average, he’d be able to predict your health and happiness for the next thirty years.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

The protective factors… a stable marriage, the ability to make lemonade from lemons, avoiding cigarettes, modest use of alcohol, regular exercise, high education, and maintaining normal weight—allow us to predict health thirty years in the future.

Watch out. I have a chart and I’m not afraid to use it:None of the above pieces of advice was “inherit a billion dollars” or “win the Olympic gold medal in ice dancing.” They’re things we all can do, even if that means forming new relationships or taking some college classes at night.

A good life is not outside your reach. It will take some effort — but you knew that, right? The important part is that it’s in your control. Frankly, George said it best:

“Whether we live to a vigorous old age lies not so much in our stars or our genes as in ourselves.”

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Five Traits of Great Lawyers

What makes a great lawyer? Is it intelligence, good people skills, effective writing? Of course, we must have a certain level of intelligence and motivation, along with experience and opportunities. But the truth is, the traits that transform a good lawyer into a great lawyer may not be the ones you think.

Here are five traits that make a lawyer — or any person — stand above the rest. Cultivating these traits provides the opportunity to really understand the issues and offer effective solutions.

1. Compassion

Compassion is an emotional response whereby one perceives another’s problem and authentically, genuinely wants to help resolve the problem. This is part of what lawyers do: People come to us with their problems, or to avoid future problems, and we help resolve or avoid the issues, whichever the case may be. If you practice business law, tax law or in any area that is not particularly “emotional,” you may not think that compassion is important to your practice. But it is. The compassionate lawyer focuses on how others feel and is accepting of their perspective, whether or not he ultimately agrees with it.

Compassion is the foundation for good people skills. Without compassion, you cannot put yourself in your client’s shoes or fully understand the issues your client faces. Without compassion, you cannot understand your adversary’s position, anticipate what she will do, and take pre-emptive steps to benefit your client. Without it, you cannot provide the best solutions.

2. Ability to Listen

Effective communication skills are essential to good lawyering. One of the most important aspects of communication is listening. Of course, what we say, how we say it and when we say it are important. But we can only do it right if we listen first. Listen to your clients. Listen to your adversaries, your colleagues and the judges. As lawyers, we must take in much information, analyze and synthesize it, and exercise good judgment to provide advice to our clients. It starts with listening.

3. Assertiveness, Not Aggressiveness

I often hear people say, “She’s not aggressive enough to be an effective lawyer.” That’s not right. You don’t need to be aggressive — though you must be assertive. Assertive lawyers state their opinions and make themselves heard, while remaining respectful of others. Aggressive lawyers attack or ignore others’ opinions in favor of their own.

Much like those who lack compassion, overly aggressive lawyers cannot understand another’s position when it varies from their client’s position. That makes them ineffective at understanding the problem and thus incapable of providing an effective solution. Even more detrimental, overly aggressive lawyers act without respect for others. This damages interpersonal relationships, ultimately leading to an uncooperative environment that makes  resolution or agreement impossible.

4. Creativity

We need to be creative to find real solutions to the issues our clients face. Each matter is unique; each client must be handled differently, and each solution carefully crafted. While on the whole we lawyers are a rather risk-averse group, we must learn to think outside the box. The best way to create unique solutions is to approach each situation with compassionate listening, which enables you to really understand the issues and what the client and the adversary need. That level of understanding can lead to long-lasting solutions that work for all interested parties. Stalemates often arise when opposing counsel fails to approach the matter with compassionate listening and, instead, becomes unnecessarily aggressive. Don’t be that deal-breaker.

5. Perseverance

Success is achieved with perseverance. We must keep working, keep trying and keep going. We must be able to walk away when things are not working, take a break and come back fresh and ready to “fight,” negotiate or whatever the matter requires.

Now go out there and be great! (published by attorneyatwork)

THE SECRET

"THE SECRET"

The verdict now is read -

But wait! What's that they said?

Can you believe your ears?

Your laughter turns to tears.

How could the jury do it?

It couldn't be right! You blew it!

Well, that's the way it goes,

As everybody knows.

There's just one way around it.

The Secret? I have found it.

I'll make it sweet and short:

You've gotta settle out of court!

Eddie Siegel

"Just Like A Lawyer"

"Dumbass Ex"

"Dumbass Ex"

WE’LL SEE

This is a GREAT story to feel during your divorce. It is about a boy and a Zen master.

          “On his sixteenth birthday the boy gets a horse as a present. All of the people in the village say, ‘Oh, how wonderful?’

          The Zen master says, ‘We’ll see.’

          One day, the boy is riding and gets thrown off the horse and hurts his leg. He is no longer able to walk, so all of the villagers say, ‘How terrible!’

          The Zen master says, ‘We’ll see.’

          Some time passes and the village goes to war. All of the other young men get sent off to fight, but this boy can’t fight because his leg is messed up. All of the villagers say, ‘How wonderful!’

          The Zen master say, ‘We’ll see.’”

          Stop believing whether something is “good” or “bad.”  It is neither. Good/bad is merely a “spectrum.” Reality is your perception. As the Buddha stated, “live joyfully in a world of sorrow!”

          “WE’LL SEE”

ESCAPE

You have made your decision to separate (escape) from your spouse or you have made your decision with your Attorney to file a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage.  Unfortunately, based on economics today, many married couples must co-habitate in the same residence during the divorce (and for reasons advised by their Attorney other than economic) which I assure you is hell as a contested divorce, due to the financial crisis in the Judiciary creating a shortage of judges, may take 3 to 36 months. However, if you are able to move out from the residence based on your decision or the advice of your Attorney (because the other spouse is refusing to vacate the residence and you do not have the ability to obtain an immediate Court Order for their removal), PLEASE be acutely aware as follows:

1.       Until you vacate the residence,  your spouse will search every square inch of the house, your personal belongings, your automobile, your computer (beware of keystroke programs), your cell phone, your social media (Facebook, etc.) to ascertain notes, messages, texts, emails, money, etc. for many different reasons;

2.       You should obtain a replacement garage door opener and program it to the code of your opener to have access through the garage door as future entry into the garage and/or residence after you vacate. Your spouse may change the locks on the residence but often he/she does not remember to change the code on the garage door opener. If the residence is in joint names, you may obtain a locksmith to let you in at any time, but this is usually childish and dangerous. If possible, you should make copies of all keys to automobiles, residence, storage units, locks, etc.

3.        You should remove any item that is sentimental to you, i.e., grandmother's dish, photographs, gold coin from father, etc., in that any items that are sentimental that you leave behind may disappear and your spouse will allege that you took them with you and that you are the one who lost them. Because they are sentimental, your Attorney cannot obtain replacement items or compensation for fair market value versus if a television is missing, it is easy to ascertain the fair market value and obtain money for replacement. There is no way to replace sentimental items;

4.       You should remove all small items of high value, i.e., jewelry, watches, coins, stock certificates, bonds, etc. as again, if they disappear, your spouse will state that you have them and at this time there is conflicting testimony and the Court, unless the Judge makes a decision based on one person's credibility substantially outweighing the other person's creditability, the assets may not be distributed to either party;

5.       You should remove (or copy) all important documents, safe deposit key(s) and copy or upload to a secure Cloud all important information contained on any stationary computer hard drives (CPU) and any other music or social content;

6.       You should photograph or electronically record all items remaining in the residence and garage and create a master index of all tangible property left at the residence. Therefore, if any of the property is damaged or disappears, you may seek replacement fair market value of the property. Furthermore, you will need a master inventory for division of all tangible property during your dissolution of marriage, and this is a perfect time to make the inventory, or if you don't have time, you will have the pictures to prepare the inventory at a later time;

7.       If you have decided to take bedroom furniture and other furniture, please be aware the Judge will be reviewing the situation to determine if it was done in a fair manner.  If a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage has been filed by you or your spouse, there is a Standing Family Law Court Order and it more likely than not prevents you from removing property from the house. Always discuss removal of furniture and other large items from the house/garage with your Attorney before doing so. If you decide to do so either on your own or per permission of your Attorney, please be extremely careful in removing said items as if you are doing it without knowledge of your spouse and your spouse returns home during your move, it is an extremely dangerous situation. If you must move the items out without knowledge or notice to your spouse, make sure you do it during a time when you know your spouse will not be present for hours in the residence and that you have several adult witnesses with you to observe the removal and moving of the items. You may also notify your local police prior to the removal of items that you may need an officer to do a "keep the peace" check. I do not advise removing any large items that do not have sentimental value and have easy replacement value as the shock and trauma alone of removal of property to your spouse may cause unforeseen reactions from your spouse, as a spouse often reacts versus responds when confronted with relationship issues. Therefore, please do not do so unless you have discussed it with your Attorney and he/she has granted permission to do so or if it is absolutely necessary for you to do so;

8.       If you have a child, before you vacate the marital residence (assuming with the child) you must discuss the matter with your Attorney to make sure your moving out of the residence with the child does not harm any of your goals with regard to a proper parenting plan and time sharing schedule between you and your spouse;

9.       Removing any pets (dog, cat, spider, lizard, fish, etc.) must be pre-planned with regard to whether your landlord allows a pet. You will need the veterinarian records for upcoming shots, etc.  An appropriate message must be left for your spouse notifying your spouse that the pet was removed so that your spouse does not believe the pet has simply disappeared. Be very careful which pet(s) to remove as if your spouse is emotionally dependent on that pet, even though you are affectionate toward the pet, the pet should be with the person who has a greater emotional dependence on the pet;

10.   You should discuss with your Attorney which financial accounts to remove and transfer money. There are many reasons to remove sometimes less than one-half and sometimes greater than one-half of the money in checking/savings accounts. Financial institutions may need to be notified to put a "hold" on the account so your spouse cannot take any additional funds. Any cash should be removed from the residence, as again, if it disappears, your spouse will allege that you have it;

11.   You should discuss with your Attorney which credit cards, equityline and other debt accounts to cease your spouse's authorized use of or to terminate if in joint names, or if in joint names and you cannot terminate, a decision must be made whether to withdraw the remaining funds available to safeguard during the dissolution process.  Generally, if your spouse is not financially responsible you should remove your spouse as an authorized user on all your credit cards and notify the financial institution with an equityline, whether secured to real property or not, to "freeze" the equityline so that it is not maxed out by your spouse. This is a delicate decision as your spouse may be dependent upon certain credit cards and if their dependence on the credit cards is of essence for the day to day survival or raising of your child, then it may be wise not to cancel those credit cards;

12.   After you have vacated the residence, you should notify your neighbors that you trust (be very careful who you trust) that you are no longer living in the neighborhood and you would appreciate if they would keep an eye out on the residence as that way you will be able to receive updates on what is going on at your residence. If the residence is in joint names, you are welcome to stop by any time to review the caretaking of the residence as long as you are confident there will not be any domestic violence with your spouse when you are in the process of a "walk-through".

13.   You may want to install a "GPS" tracker on the automobile of your spouse if it is titled in your name, or your name and your spouse's name (joint names). Contact a private detective / "Spy" store or review the internet for devices and information. Tracking your spouse reveals many salient facts with regard to potential paramours, entertainment, etc.

These are several matters to consider when vacating your marital residence, but of course, these suggestions should be reviewed in detail with your Attorney as there are probably other issues to consider based on your particular facts of your marriage.

I wish you great adventure in your new experience, and I say

Namaste'